Into the Folds
  • Projects
    • Empathetic Bloat
    • That Doesn't Go There!
  • Writing
    • Retired Gymnast, Navigating the Spaces Between Velcro
    • As Snails Move Across My Body
  • About
  • Contact

Retired Gymnast, Navigating the Spaces Between Velcro ​

                                            Before executing an uneven bar routine, it is important to chalk your hands.
       This improves the grip between the skin of your palms and the porous surface of                                         the wood bar.

In my final competition, before retiring as a competitive gymnast at age eleven,
                                                                                I walked onto the mat of the uneven bar without having chalked my
                                     hands.

    Stepping onto the mat, I held the record for the highest swing on uneven bars in Ontario for my age category.
Hands dripping with sweat
                                                      from acute awareness of an awakening adult body,
                                                      I turned     and     presented to the                                                         judges.

                           I stepped up to the bar for my mount,
                                                                             a half glide kip.
                                                                                                     On my first circle around the bar before the tuck hold,
                                    I lost my grip and
                                                fell,
                                                        toes pointed,
                                                                                  my legs in straddle,
                                                                                                                      my butt hit the mat first,
     shame suppressed any pain from rising to the surface.    
    
                                          The low bar reverberated with a sound gymnasts are all familiar with,
                 the sound of a slipped grip,    
                            failed trick,     
it ricochets through the gym,     
                it pangs   
                     through the        body.
                           
                                                                     I finished the routine, and placed eleventh.
                                                                                     11:11, make a wish.


Pushing down the humiliation of the fall,
I moved onto my floor routine with something to prove.    ​
                             This is the mentality a competitive gymnast is trained to have;

                                                                                                                                                    performance is the goal,
            you push this body for the          
   result.


      I never placed as well on floor as I did with other events, but at this competition, floor would be the last event of my entire                                                  gymnastics career.

         My sweaty
                               palms
                                                     were a nice                           match
                                                                                                                                     for the dark blue carpeting
                                    of the floor.


             Tumbling to an instrumental rendition of “Crazy” by Britney Spears,
              the sweat absorbed and wicked away with each round-off back                                                             handspring.

                                                         I knew once I had finished that I would place well,
the execution of the routine clicked,
my self                          aligned,
cohesively,
    it felt                 right.
                                                                           
Something you are always working towards,             but doesn’t happen very often.
                                                                      You have overcome the barriers of your body
                 and
                                                                            have performed to your highest
                                                                                                                                   standard.



Sitting
    amongst
                the other girls

     waiting for our awards, I

 was conscious of my body,                                   stuffed              in a              navy blue velvet                     competition leo,
          I felt her failures and triumphs of the day.

                   I was conscious of how it looked,
                                                                                compared to the other girls in my age group,
I had fuller hips,         a bigger butt,         and prepubescent         ginger shadowing                             starting to sprout on
         
                          my bikini line.


                                          I am reminded of a conversation Dave, our director, had with me and my parents 
                                “…we want to move her to the tumbling team, we think her lower body       
                                could affect her performance if she continues in the artistic program, she’s         
                                just built better for tumbling”. *


 I placed first on floor at that competition.
                                         Maybe tumbling would be a better fit for me.


      I never got the chance to find out.


                          A recent physical
raised
                              concerns about how                    24 hour                  weeks in the gym
              was affecting my                        body’s
                                                                 development                        and I was forced into                              early               
                                                                                                                                                                                                  retirement.


          

                                                 At the end of the meet,

                                                 I sit with my parents in the bleachers,
    ribbons in hand,
    medal around neck,


                                                                        watching the white Velcro tape
                                                                        being pulled up at an angle off the
                                                                        dark blue carpeted tumbling         

              
                                                                                                                                                    floor.




   *That early exposure to Adultification made me want to chop off my hips that day 
   

​           

 © 2021 Jazmin Gareau
Picture
Picture
Installation View/ Goldsmiths, University of London Degree Show/ 2020
  • Projects
    • Empathetic Bloat
    • That Doesn't Go There!
  • Writing
    • Retired Gymnast, Navigating the Spaces Between Velcro
    • As Snails Move Across My Body
  • About
  • Contact